The Laws of the Twitter-verse

25 Jan

In the last year I have really gotten into Twitter (see my tweets on the right). It was a great way to apply to jobs and stay connected to the news, plus sometimes celebrities post funny YouTube videos.

I’d love to say I’ve gotten pretty acclimated to Twitter.  I understand the unwritten rules, I know the best tweeters and I know which ones to avoid. So I’m here to spread my knowledge unto you, to broaden your minds with my tweetdom.

5 Twitter Don’ts

1. #LearnHowToHashTag
#PuttingAFullSentenceInAHashTagIsPointless. I’m sorry, it just drives me nuts. The point of a hash tag is to relay a topic that could interest other tweeters. If you click your hash tag, and there are no other trending tags, you are doing it wrong! For example, “Man I really love #WillSmith. Big Willie Style all the way!” Below is just one of the many bad hash tags I see every day. Learn from me, it will change your Twitter world.

2. Avoid shameless RT’s
Just because a celebrity RT’s your desperate cry for attention does not mean that they know or care about you. I feel like if the re-tweet option was used correctly, we could actually have celebrities give valid responses from time to time. And, no, I’m not saying it’s bad to give a shout-out to your favorite artist, (Will Smith, maybe? I love Will Smith too much and he doesn’t have a Twitter, breaks my heart.) I’m saying that posting “@Madonna RT PLEASE!?” is annoying for everyone, especially Madonna (but then again I don’t know her life).

3. Leave out the little details
I seriously don’t care what breakfast cereal you had this morning. I don’t need to know that you’re on your way to the gym and there’s sooo much traffic. I, and the rest of the world, don’t care. Found 50 bucks? That’s cool, let me know about it! Karate-kicked a martian? Post a pic! Baking brownies? Save it for a text to your mom.

4. Wrap It Up
There’s a reason tweets were made to contain 140 characters. Keep it short, keep it sweet. Like this segment, which is Twitter-size.

5. Stop being so cryptic
Oh my gosh, if another girl posts a quote from a Nicholas Sparks book about love. If you are trying to tell a man you have a crush on him, he will not be able to tell from your obnoxious song lyric that you posted on line. Save the drama for… anywhere but a public social networking site. It’s embarrassing, ladies.

5 Best Tweeters

1. @Old Man Search
Basically a man told his 82-year-old father that Twitter is the Google search bar, so it’s a collection of all the things he thinks he is actually Googling. I love the elderly. This will make you laugh, I guarantee it.

2. @Fake Yahoo News
I’m not going to act like I’m not still totally addicted to Yahoo news, but they are known for having some seriously stupid stories. This is a hilarious parody of all those crappy “newsworthy” stories that seem to be smothering our Interwebs.

3. @Kanye West
He doesn’t post too often anymore, but his tweets are so unintentionally hilarious and over-the-top. I like to picture him saying these things out loud in his rapper voice, makes me laugh even harder.

4. @Zach Galifianakis
Subtly hilarious, with a few of those moments that make you think, “Oh my gosh, can he say that!?” all while making you crack up. Check out his Tumblr too, just as funny.

5. @ Shit Girls Say
Yeah I know, I’ve already mentioned that this trend is donezo. But this is still undeniably funny. I say all of these things, often. And to make it better, I never ever hear men say them. I hope they never stop tweeting.

5 Worst Tweeters

1. @Ricky Gervais
Of course I am a Ricky Gervais fan. He’s hilarious and English. I actually met Ricky Gervais at the premiere of “Night at the Museum 2” (see the awesome picture on my right) and he was a genuinely nice and funny guy during the 2 minute conversation we shared. I love his work, love his Podcasts and hate his Twitter account. I tried to like it so badly, because I like him so much, but after several months of watching him argue about religion with a bunch of followers I couldn’t take it anymore.

I don’t follow any particular religions myself, but I also don’t insist on shoving my beliefs down anyone’s throats, and I can’t stand when anyone else (Christian, Jewish, Atheist, Agnostic, anything) tries to do the same. It’s a pointless argument with no end. I followed Gervais to laugh about his dumb friend Karl, not watch him fight about the existence of a god.

2. @Kim Kardasian
Kim Kardashian is a freaking idiot. That whole family is just plain unbelievable. I could rant and rave, but I’ll hold back. Anyway, if you want to see a spoiled rich girl whine about her big life issues while using bad grammer, be sure to follow Kim. Go to college, kids.

3. @Chris Brown
If you need a reminder of how much of a douchebag (and I use that word because I have no other way to really get across the personality of him) Chris Brown is, just look at his intro on his twitter account. Sorry, but I have zero respect for a person that beats women, then snaps every time someone calls him out on it, then just retweets all of the compliments other idiots send him. The guy obviously needs people patting him on the back reminding him of what he once was, it’s embarrassing.

4. @Alec Baldwin
I’m an Alec Baldwin girl. There are few things more attractive than a smooth-talking man with a nice haircut in a suit. But I’m also not into politics. This falls into line with the Ricky Gervais account. Too much politics, too much time spent forcing his ideals onto me, not enough “30 Rock” jokes.

5. @Paris Hilton
I know what you’re thinking, guys. Erica, how could you possibly name Paris Hilton as annoying!? Well, sadly folks, it is true. Strike one is when she brands herself as an “actress, singer, business woman and author” in her “About me” section. Strike two is her use of herself in underwear as her wallpaper. Strike three is her terribly repetitive use of smiley faces, exclamation points, and over-the-top optimism. And I’m out.

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One Response to “The Laws of the Twitter-verse”

  1. Stephanie January 25, 2012 at 5:00 pm #

    Haha yes, thank you! The hash tag thing drives me crazy, personally.

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