The NBA Tattoo Situation is Out of Control

18 Apr

I am amazed by how many stupid tattoos there are in the NBA. Seriously it’s like they just develop a big stupid idiot gene and just went crazy with the tattoo gun.

Don’t believe me? Check out this ridiculousness.

Chris Andersen, Denver Nuggets
Christopher… Don’t you have a mother!? Seriously, what do you think she is thinking every time she goes to hug her little boy and all she sees is a neck full of badly drawn letters and flames. Oh and of course there has to be a picture of a basketball player. Because god forbid someone forgets for five seconds that you play basketball. How could you!? You know those are forever, right!? And your neck says “Free Bird” across it. Free bird? Seriously? Free bird? That’s not even cool! That’s a song that’s overplayed by high school freshman boys with gross half-mustaches and body odor! Ohhh look at me, I play basketball so I have to have a mohawk and stupid obnoxious neck tattoos. Because I’ll be in the public eye forever and these won’t look stupid when I’m old. I want all my readers to look at this photo, then click this link. It only took nine years for ol’ Chris to go full douchebag, so sad. Please, Mr. Andersen, you’re a disgrace. You better invest in some turtle necks and hope they make a comeback STAT.

Lou Williams, Philadelphia 76ers
I love my team, but Lou Williams is covered in bad decisions. The checkers covering his right armpit especially drives me insane. Is it that necessary to cover your entire body with tattoos? And he’s one of those guys- and unfortunately there’s so, so many of them- with a basketball tattoo. A tattoo of a basketball. Because the rest of the world doesn’t know you’re a professional basketball player and because of that you play with basketballs. Really, seriously guys, get a more obvious image inked across your skin. I guess in Lou Williams case it’s not too bad because he’s so covered tattoos that the dumb ones get lost in translation… or do they?

Jason Williams, Orlando Magic
It’s a good thing Jason Williams got “White Boy” tattooed across his nuckles or we all wouldn’t know that he was a white boy. If we’re really looking at it the tattoo doesn’t even say “White Boy,” it says Whit Eboy. And that’s not a thing, so that makes Jason Williams stupider than his tattoo.

In my opinion one of the manliest things a man can do is present a nice, solid, firm handshake in a sharp suit.  And Jason Williams has tainted his manliness with an ugly tattoo. When you get married do you think your wife is going to want to slip a ring over the “O” in your finger tats? Come on, white boy.

Stephen Jackson, San Antonio Spurs
Jackson has, smack dab in the middle of his abs, two hands together in what looks like a symbol of prayer. The whole idea of prayer and peace and all that gets completely smashed, however, when you take a look at the gun that is being sandwiched between the hands. According to Jackson, the tattoo is a message to himself, saying that he prays that he never has to use a gun again. First of all, don’t go advertising that you had to use a gun in the first place. I’m tired of athletes walking around with guns trying to look tough. It’s more stupid than anything. Second of all, you know what’s another good way to pray that you never have to use a gun again? By actually praying! If that’s what you’re trying to do, then actually do it! Don’t just slap it across your belly!

Marquis Daniels, Boston Celtics
It’s hard to believe that someone could almost match the stupidity of Chris Andersen, but Marquis comes close. To start, there is the ginormous lower back semi-tramp stamp of the outline of Florida with several major city locations marked and an area code, in case he gets lost I suppose. A little map to get him home, how smart and memorable and not stupid at all. Then there is the other stupid words and junk scattered all over his back, including a recent gigantic red star stuck kind of by his armpit with the number 5 inside. Oh! There’s also the Chinese symbols that are supposed to be his initials but actually read “healthy woman roof.” This guy’s on a roll…
Nothing quite tops his insanely disturbing “Only the Strong Survive” arm piece, with a man firing a shotgun into his face. Here is what Marquis had to say about this ridiculsouly disturbing little number:

“Its just, like if youre not strong, youre willing to do anything to find a way out.”

Thank you for that stunningly brilliant sentimentality, Marquis. That painfully unoriginal and ridiculously bland description completely validates such a graphic and insensitive piece of crap on your arm.

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