Tag Archives: Pet Peeves

The Laws of the Twitter-verse

25 Jan

In the last year I have really gotten into Twitter (see my tweets on the right). It was a great way to apply to jobs and stay connected to the news, plus sometimes celebrities post funny YouTube videos.

I’d love to say I’ve gotten pretty acclimated to Twitter.  I understand the unwritten rules, I know the best tweeters and I know which ones to avoid. So I’m here to spread my knowledge unto you, to broaden your minds with my tweetdom.

5 Twitter Don’ts

1. #LearnHowToHashTag
#PuttingAFullSentenceInAHashTagIsPointless. I’m sorry, it just drives me nuts. The point of a hash tag is to relay a topic that could interest other tweeters. If you click your hash tag, and there are no other trending tags, you are doing it wrong! For example, “Man I really love #WillSmith. Big Willie Style all the way!” Below is just one of the many bad hash tags I see every day. Learn from me, it will change your Twitter world.

2. Avoid shameless RT’s
Just because a celebrity RT’s your desperate cry for attention does not mean that they know or care about you. I feel like if the re-tweet option was used correctly, we could actually have celebrities give valid responses from time to time. And, no, I’m not saying it’s bad to give a shout-out to your favorite artist, (Will Smith, maybe? I love Will Smith too much and he doesn’t have a Twitter, breaks my heart.) I’m saying that posting “@Madonna RT PLEASE!?” is annoying for everyone, especially Madonna (but then again I don’t know her life).

3. Leave out the little details
I seriously don’t care what breakfast cereal you had this morning. I don’t need to know that you’re on your way to the gym and there’s sooo much traffic. I, and the rest of the world, don’t care. Found 50 bucks? That’s cool, let me know about it! Karate-kicked a martian? Post a pic! Baking brownies? Save it for a text to your mom.

4. Wrap It Up
There’s a reason tweets were made to contain 140 characters. Keep it short, keep it sweet. Like this segment, which is Twitter-size.

5. Stop being so cryptic
Oh my gosh, if another girl posts a quote from a Nicholas Sparks book about love. If you are trying to tell a man you have a crush on him, he will not be able to tell from your obnoxious song lyric that you posted on line. Save the drama for… anywhere but a public social networking site. It’s embarrassing, ladies.

5 Best Tweeters

1. @Old Man Search
Basically a man told his 82-year-old father that Twitter is the Google search bar, so it’s a collection of all the things he thinks he is actually Googling. I love the elderly. This will make you laugh, I guarantee it.

2. @Fake Yahoo News
I’m not going to act like I’m not still totally addicted to Yahoo news, but they are known for having some seriously stupid stories. This is a hilarious parody of all those crappy “newsworthy” stories that seem to be smothering our Interwebs.

3. @Kanye West
He doesn’t post too often anymore, but his tweets are so unintentionally hilarious and over-the-top. I like to picture him saying these things out loud in his rapper voice, makes me laugh even harder.

4. @Zach Galifianakis
Subtly hilarious, with a few of those moments that make you think, “Oh my gosh, can he say that!?” all while making you crack up. Check out his Tumblr too, just as funny.

5. @ Shit Girls Say
Yeah I know, I’ve already mentioned that this trend is donezo. But this is still undeniably funny. I say all of these things, often. And to make it better, I never ever hear men say them. I hope they never stop tweeting.

5 Worst Tweeters

1. @Ricky Gervais
Of course I am a Ricky Gervais fan. He’s hilarious and English. I actually met Ricky Gervais at the premiere of “Night at the Museum 2” (see the awesome picture on my right) and he was a genuinely nice and funny guy during the 2 minute conversation we shared. I love his work, love his Podcasts and hate his Twitter account. I tried to like it so badly, because I like him so much, but after several months of watching him argue about religion with a bunch of followers I couldn’t take it anymore.

I don’t follow any particular religions myself, but I also don’t insist on shoving my beliefs down anyone’s throats, and I can’t stand when anyone else (Christian, Jewish, Atheist, Agnostic, anything) tries to do the same. It’s a pointless argument with no end. I followed Gervais to laugh about his dumb friend Karl, not watch him fight about the existence of a god.

2. @Kim Kardasian
Kim Kardashian is a freaking idiot. That whole family is just plain unbelievable. I could rant and rave, but I’ll hold back. Anyway, if you want to see a spoiled rich girl whine about her big life issues while using bad grammer, be sure to follow Kim. Go to college, kids.

3. @Chris Brown
If you need a reminder of how much of a douchebag (and I use that word because I have no other way to really get across the personality of him) Chris Brown is, just look at his intro on his twitter account. Sorry, but I have zero respect for a person that beats women, then snaps every time someone calls him out on it, then just retweets all of the compliments other idiots send him. The guy obviously needs people patting him on the back reminding him of what he once was, it’s embarrassing.

4. @Alec Baldwin
I’m an Alec Baldwin girl. There are few things more attractive than a smooth-talking man with a nice haircut in a suit. But I’m also not into politics. This falls into line with the Ricky Gervais account. Too much politics, too much time spent forcing his ideals onto me, not enough “30 Rock” jokes.

5. @Paris Hilton
I know what you’re thinking, guys. Erica, how could you possibly name Paris Hilton as annoying!? Well, sadly folks, it is true. Strike one is when she brands herself as an “actress, singer, business woman and author” in her “About me” section. Strike two is her use of herself in underwear as her wallpaper. Strike three is her terribly repetitive use of smiley faces, exclamation points, and over-the-top optimism. And I’m out.

My Generation and Their Ugly Ink

11 Aug

I like to consider myself a semi-logical person, meaning that I try my hardest to make good decisions in my life. Sure I may not know what I’m doing or where I’m going but I hope that I am taking the right steps towards a stable and happy future.

When I was a teenager I wanted, no I needed a tattoo. I thought it was completely necessary to get a couple of different things that I now look at as probably the stupidest thing I could have done to myself. There aren’t even words for how relieved I am that I didn’t make the dumb, permanent decisions that I thought were so great a few years ago.

I think that a lot of people my age really don’t think through the choice of covering their bodies in completely permanent tattoos, and I know that I will hear plenty of angry comments from this post, but there are a ton of different tattoos that I see on people my age that are just plain stupid. Here’s my list of the top 8 dumb tattoos:

1. The Standard Cliches

A double wammy of dumbness

Nautical stars, hearts, butterflies, flowers, Japanese letters… basically anything you probably can pull out of a quarter machine at a diner is probably a bad idea. They have no meaning, and everyone who sees them are just mentally rolling their eyes while they yell “Ohhh my gosh!!! That’s sooo great!!!”

There is one tattoo that out-stupids all of the tattoos in the tattoo universe: the tribal. I used to know a guy that would always, always wear long sleeves. Finally, one night he decided to show everyone his tribal tattoo. I couldn’t help but yell “What tribe are you in!?” At which he hung his head shamefully and laughed off his stupid teenage decision.

Honestly, how is a tribal supposed to be attractive, cool or a wise decision at all? Everyone just knows they are for men who want a tattoo badly but can’t think of something real to get. They scream “I’m a big old tool!!” from across a room.

My advice? If you need to resort to cliches, you need to not walk into a tattoo parlor.

2. Music Lyrics

Who, who, who, who, WHO WOULD DO THIS TO THEMSELVES!?

I’m really against music lyrics, mainly because the minute you find one worthy of covering your skin with a better one will probably come along. Plenty of people say “no, no, no this has been my favorite band since I was, like, a senior in high school” without realizing that at our age high school wasn’t that long ago. This is one instance where I think that a t-shirt would solve the problem of needing to let everyone know how much you love a song/band. Band lyrics are slowly creeping their way into the super-cliches of the tattoo generation, and usually the lyrics have no relevance or meaning to the person at all. They just look cool. We as a generation are far too young to decide what songs and lyrics will become a permanent staple in our lives, especially since most of us haven’t experienced the real milestones of life: having children, getting married, moving into our own homes, all that stuff that turns a person into an adult. “Kharma Police” is not the symbolic embodiment of yourself, stop trying to look cool.

3. Anything Trendy

This is called a mistake

I first decided that I did not want any crazy tattoos when I was a senior in high school. I was checking out at an H&M and the scenester girl that was ringing me up was covered in tattoos. Some of my readers might not have been old enough to remember the scenester movement, but it involved a ton of neon, horribly terrible multi-colored hair cuts and things that belonged in the ’80’s. This young idiot that was ringing me up had a massive neon boom box tattooed on her lower arm. For those who are too young to know what a boom box is… okay thats enough. I couldn’t help but stare at her hideous, trendy tattoo and feel completely nauteous. I will bet you anything that the girl that rang me up four years ago is in the process of painful and expensive lazer removal in an attempt to, like all of us do, erase the embarrassing child she once was.

Here’s the thing: trends don’t last. Handlebar mustaches, PBR, steampunk and fixed gear bycicles won’t be cool in a couple years and acknowledging that you were apart of that will be embarrassing. Unfortunately, part of this hipster trend is permanent and trendy tattoos that will, very very soon, become uninteresting and over-the-top.

4. Band Tattoos
Let me share a nice little embarrassing story of myself with everyone. When I was in high school I was famous for being completely and totally obsessed with Green Day. Like, embarrassingly obsessed. I thought that for the rest of my life I would walk around in jeans, Chuck Taylors and an oversized Green Day t-shirts. I had Green Day tattoos planned for ages. I knew that they were going to be on me and I would love them forever.

I am now totally and completely mortified that I thought like this. Bands are trends, they come and go. Sure I still like Green Day but they didn’t turn me into the person I am today.  They are just a fun part of my life that I can now laugh about with my friends. Just like N*Sync and Hanson. Bands break up, and sometimes people in bands do things so despicable that you completely fall out of love with them. They are made of super rich celebrities, not moral and wonderful people that understand you and want to impress only you.

5. (Certain) Memorial Tattoos

I feel like this woman would be less than pleased to see this...

I’ve seen a ton of people get tattoos with the excuse that they are honoring a loved one in some way. Now don’t get me wrong on this one, I have seen some tattoos and heard the stories behind them that make me think, ‘wow that is really beautiful,’ but I have also heard stories, or excuses that are just plain stupid and disrespectful. Grandparent tattoos, for example. Lots of people get tattoos to commemorate a grandparent without considering how said grandparent would actually have felt about it were they alive. I know that if I were to walk up to my sweet little Nanny with a giant tattoo of her face she would smack the ink off my body. That’s because most people outside of our generation don’t feel as hip and cool to the idea of tattoos as we do. Most senior citizens, parents and any adult that didn’t grow up in the 90’s think tattoos are really stupid and would rather not see their children covering themselves in them. My mom, for example, hates tattoos, to a point where it’s really super irrational and kind of annoying. But, just to have a laugh, my brothers and I love telling her that we are going to get a tattoo of her name, which leads to like 15 minutes of head shaking and high-pitched whining. Personally (and this is entirely personal so just get over it) I think it is a little selfish to get a commemorative tattoo of someone who wouldn’t want you to get a tattoo in the first place.

6. Artsy (and Massive) Ink

This is on you forever.

Canvases are an amazing thing. You can buy them for relatively cheap, and if you are a starving artist you can either scrape off crappy paintings or just cover over a crappy painting and reuse them. Most importantly, crap can be removed from a canvas. The same does not apply to your skin. I feel like I shouldn’t have to explain this, but skin is on you permanently, so it might not be the wisest medium to cover with other people’s artwork. I bet if you admired a tattoo artist’s work they would gladly be commissioned for a painting, and that way the art wouldn’t get old, faded and saggy when your body also gets old, faded and saggy.

I knew I wasn’t destined for the tattoo world because I would never be able to get something that would show up in my eventual wedding photographs. One day I might just look back on something big and bright on my body and think, wow I really wish I didn’t have that on me at one of the most important days of my life. I have come to understand the idea of permanence and I have also come to understand that art comes and goes in different waves or movements. I mean, back in the 80’s people freaking loved neon and weird shapes, and those paintings you still see in doctors offices that are like splattered with a lot of weird and pastelly-awkward textures. If someone got a tattoo of that they would now look like an out-dated waiting room. Think about that when you go to get some beautiful work of modern art on your arm.

7. Any tramp stamp. ANY TRAMP STAMP.

What would your father say!?

Tramp stamps, or the tattoo across your lower back, have been an embarrassment since, like, the ’90’s. They are the epitome of trash, because their sole purpose is to be revealed through low-cut jeans and bikinis. They are never beautiful or pretty or cute. They are awful and they shame your parents.

Look at this photo on the left: this girl has officially transformed her into an idiot. Forever. Yeah that tattoo is funny right now and it might be a great- if not completely trashy- conversation starter, but when you have a child and have to explain why you have handlebars on your lower back and what that means, it won’t be so funny. This is a permanent decision here, and we aren’t going to be in our early 20’s forever.

8. Anything and Everything Spontaneous

It's a bad decision, bitch.

Spontaneity is awesome. Who doesn’t love jumping in the car for a day at the beach or deciding to have that shot at the bar? Being a little wild and crazy is fun, but not when it comes to a permanent tattoo on your body forever and ever and ever.

If there’s anything that Britney has taught me it’s that thinking through permanent decisions is a good idea. A tattoo should be handled with a lot of thought and consideration. Not just what you’re getting, but who you’re getting it from. It doesn’t matter how small it is or how insignificant, this is your life and this is going on you forever. If you’re not happy with the artist or if you have any hesitation, I would skip it and come back another day. My main problem with spontaneity in tattoos is that it is not necessary. If you feel like you need to act on a tattoo right away, then chances are it’s because you might not go through with getting it in the future. After all, a tattoo is going to be on you forever. You can wait a year to get it, it’s not like one year will matter in the rest of your life.

People my age neglect the fact that, in the future, the decisions of now will have some effect on them. We will all, hopefully, get old and so will the tattoos that are covering some of their bodies. And many people will regret the New Kids on the Block tattoo or the big ol’ nautical star. Think about it…

The Top 10 Annoying Customer Habits

1 Aug

In my 8 years of retail work experience I’ve dealt with every customer under the sun. Most of the people I work with now are fairly normal and understanding, but of course there are the looney birds.

There are always situations that rise up on a daily basis that just annoy the crap out of me. And they happen all the time. Mainly because I know the people have no consideration for me, or anyone else in the store. Then again, I also understand that most people don’t realize how annoying some things are until they are on the other side of the counter. So I compiled a list of the most annoying things customers do. Here it is:

1. Stay in the lane.
I don’t care that you “forgot to grab one thing.” When you forget something and run through the store for another stupid thing, you hold up the sale, then the line. Then guess who gets yelled at by other customers? Me. I hear all of the problems, and it is my fault that you forget your free-range eggs and now everyones days are ruined because of me. Just do me a favor, get what you forgot after I hand you the receipt.

2. I didn’t make the prices.
So don’t yell at me when they don’t meet your expectations. It is pretty much plain and as simple as that. If it were up to me, I would just give everything away. And when there is a price error, you usually get what you want for free. So be nice, calm down and don’t freak out: I’m not trying to ruin your life, just trying to get through my shift.

3. Quit watching and help me!
When you unload 200 things, chances are it’s going to take me a very long time to bag them. Don’t just stand there staring at me while I rush through your groceries and then correct me after I’ve bagged them, combing through your bags pulling out what you don’t want there and what you do want here. Just grab some bags and help me.

4. Control your kid.
I get tons and tons of really cute and well-behaved kids coming into work that are an absolute blast to talk to and laugh about, but it only takes one little screaming monster to really ruin things. It totally blows me away when I see the way kids talk and behave around their parents: screaming, hitting, just being completely awful. When you allow your kid to sit and scream in the middle of the store and do nothing to stop it guess who is actually being punished? Everyone else in the store.

5. I don’t know you.
I don’t know your life and I have no feelings whatsoever about you. I will be nice to you because I’m going to automatically assume you are also nice, so there is no need to return my smile with anger or hostility. After you leave my line we will never have any form of interaction again. I have no intentions of ruining your shopping experience or attacking you in any way, because then I will lose my job. Let’s not make this personal.

6. Save the drama for your… umm not in my aisle.
The other day I had a husband and wife screaming at each other the whole time I rung them up, calling each other names and fighting over who was going to pay for groceries. Then, after the husband walked away, the wife kept apologizing because her husband was “such an ass.” See #5. I don’t want to know your life, especially the part where you hate each other.

7. Don’t insult me.
I know, I know, I am a grocery store cashier. Pretty much the lowest common denominator of jobs. You don’t have to remind me by laughing about my apron or making a crack about how I shouldn’t be tired- my job’s so easy right!? It’s almost surprising how many people think it’s okay to just joke about my job without stopping and realizing that they are complete strangers and this is my actual life they’re teasing. Of all things, this one actually hurts the most.

8. I know what I’m doing.
There is no need to tell me how to bag your groceries. I work in a grocery store. I have bagged groceries before. I know that cold stuff goes with other cold stuff and all the crap you think you’re teaching me. It’s not like I’m performing heart surgery, I’m putting food in a bag.

9. Figure out who is paying before you come to check out.
I know that it is considered polite to stand in front of the cash register and fight with each other over who is paying- not to be sexist, but mostly ladies- but it is extremely awkward for me. I’m not apart of this whole lunch that you had planned, I’m just the gateway to your food. Don’t make me stand there adding and removing meals while you and your friend bicker over who owes who lunch, I don’t care.

And, most importantly,

10. Get off of your phone!!!!!!
Here’s the thing. I may just be your cashier, but I am also a human being. I am not just a person to be written off and completely and totally ignored. In this time, cell phones are pretty much attached to peoples faces, and very rarely do people actually look up from from their phones for even a minute out of every day. But here I am, ringing up your food and your groceries and your crap, and you can’t even look at me and acknowledge I exist!? How rude can people be!? Here’s the thing, readers: when you get to the checkout, no phone call you are on is that important. If it is, you shouldn’t be buying your precious Quinoa.

Overall, I think the world would be better if people just stopped and treated others as they would want to be treated. It’s that simple. Just be courteous!